CHAPTER 2

EXTERNAL LOVE

 

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love….” Morrie Schwartz

 

 

How to Love

 

Many people today are quick to tell you they love you, but are hard pressed in showing you they love you. This is because; most people follow Webster’s definition for love, which focuses on strong affections (feelings of emotions).

In the previous chapter, we discussed Internal Love, its emotional principles and addictive properties. Internal Love, also termed “Being in Love” is solely based on favorable emotions gathered from the affections within one’s own self. Internal Love’s foundation encompasses internal feelings that are biological as well as psychological. As mentioned in the previous chapter, the person “in love” is not really in love with the object of their eye. The person in love is in love with the internal feelings that the object of their eye causes to be discharged within their own bodily members. Thus, the person in love is really in love with their self (i.e. in love with the dopamine releasing in the brain that brings forth an ecstasy in their bodily members.)

In this chapter, our discussion will be External Love, Internal Love’s counterpart.

 

LOVE AND THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Because of the similarity of the definitions of words in the English language, love is difficult to define in its entirety when discussing it solely through the English dialect. Thus, we will begin our study on External Love and the vocabulary usage of love through the Greek dialect, which is a much more versatile language system: the perfect dialect suitable for the subject at hand.

 

LOVE: AND THE GREEK LANGUAGE

From the Greek language and its enormous diversity of words with meticulous definitions, we are able to gather a clear cut understanding of the many characteristics of love. There are many types of loves. But with the English vocabulary and its similitude definitions; the one word “love” describes many forms of love. This creates a problem. For instance, someone may say,

 

• “I love chilly dogs.”

• “I love my wife.”

• “I love my red corvette.”

 

But we know one does not love his chilly dog like he loves his wife. Nor does he love his wife as he loves his red corvette. But as I mentioned above in so many words, the English language uses the one word “love” to describe all of these different forms of love.

This is not the case with the Greek language. Here are a few examples of the different words found in the Greek language that describe different characteristics of love:

 

Different Types of Love and their Greek word usage:

 

• Stargay: Defined as a family type of love. The love a parent might have for a child or vice-versa.

 

• Philos: Defined as a friendship type of love. It is a brotherly/sisterly type of love. Philos is where we get our English word “Philadelphia” (the city of brotherly love).

 

• Eros: Defined as a sexual type of love. This is the type of love a man or woman would have for their spouse or lover. From the Greek word “eros” we get our English word “erotic”.

 

 

Agape Love

 

Some two thousand years ago, through his teachings and actions, Jesus brought forth a revolutionary way of loving – revolutionary because; it is not founded on emotions, but rather intellect. It is a love that begins in the head with a choice made, and results in the heart with feelings of emotions. This form of love Jesus showed humanity is mentioned over and over again in the Bible’s New Testament (NT). It is called “Agape” in the Greek language. It is defined as a love that is not based on conditions (i.e. unconditional love.)

Jesus taught, Agape Love is the love God has for all humanity. This Agape Love Jesus manifested in his ministry while here on earth is the External Love I hinted on in the previous chapter, and will be our focus of discussion for the duration of this chapter.

 

LOVING THROUGH CONDITIONS

Let the reader understand, as children we are brought up in the world and taught by the world to love based on conditions: I love you

 

• Because you are pretty

• Because you make me laugh

• Because you are rich

• Because you are nice

• Because you are smart

• Because you are family

 

These conditions for love cater to our biological and psychological makeup and can easily become addictions as was discussed in the previous chapter. It was also mentioned in the previous chapter, there is nothing wrong with being in love (i.e. loving through a biological and psychological connection.) It is our addiction to these connections that is the culprit. To avoid addiction and the woes it may bring, External Love (i.e. Agape Love) should be added as the foundation to all love relationships.

 

A LOVE WITH NO CONDITIONS

External Love, also called “Agape Love” and “Intellectual Love” is not based on an outward stimulus or condition resulting in an eruption of dopamine. When it comes to the person who loves with an Agape type of love, there are no conditions attached to the love. It is as the R&B singer Anita Baker sang,

 

“I love you just because I do.”

 

External (Agape) Love is a love of Intellect because; it is a love of choice. This is to say, you love that person because you choose to love that person; not because of whom they may be, or how they may make you feel.

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LOVING WITHOUT WITHDRAWS

Very powerful is the External Agape Love. Unlike Internal Love, the intellectual love gives you the power to love any and everybody including your enemies. Very powerful is this form of love in a love relationship and marriage because; unlike Internal Love, when your lover does not comply, you are able to still love him or her genuinely, while retaining good feelings towards him or her – instead of withdraws.

 

LOVING YOUR ENEMIES

During his earthly ministry, while giving his famous Sermon on the Mount lecture, Jesus told the Jews who stood about listening; they ought to love their enemies. This must have been a hard statement for those Jews listening to swallow because; how can a person love his enemy? Can a person take the bitterness held for an enemy and change those corrupted emotions into warm fuzzy feelings?

The statement Jesus made was radical. But the idea conveyed was sensational. Jesus was telling those Jews to love their enemies, not through favorable emotions stemming from a positive condition. That would be impossible seeing there are no favorable emotions and positive conditions between enemies. What Jesus was saying in effect was this: let your intellect (ability to choose) override your corrupted ill feelings and unfavorable conditions toward your enemy by choosing to love him. He was saying, agape your enemies (i.e. love them not based on conditions.)

We know this is the case Jesus was making because; when you read the Bible’ Sermon on the Mount lecture in Greek (i.e. the original language the Gospels were written in,) you will see that the Greek word used for “love” in the statement made by Jesus: “love your enemies” is the Greek word “agape,” which is the intellectual love of choice we have been discussing.

Jesus was telling those Jews to stop loving based on conditions, and rather, love by making the choice to do so. It is good to love with the head first. And as we shall shortly see; a true love originating in the head ultimately leads to a love of the heart.

When it comes to loving your enemies, only agape’ unconditional love provides a road to do so. This cannot be done with Internal Love as your foundation for loving someone because; Internal Love is based on favorable conditions. And as mentioned above in so many words; there are no favorable conditions between foes. Internal Love has no ground to stand on in loving enemies.

 

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The Act of Love

 

Someone would ask the question;

 

“If you love with an agape love, (i.e. a love of intellectual choice,) what good have you done if your heart (feelings) isn’t involved?”

 

Let the reader understand, the outward expression (act) of love is a kind jester. The very act of love you carry out towards another will cause you to develop genuine feelings for the person you do well by, whether friend or foe.

 

THE MALEVOLENT WOMAN

The story is told of a little old lady who was quite malevolent. She hated people and disliked being around them. Day in and day out for the last decade of her life, she resided in a little old basement apartment in East New York. She seldom came out of her home in an attempt to avoid mingling with people. To avoid going to the supermarket, she even set up a grocery delivery system through Walmart.

One Autumn’ evening, there was a knock on her door. When she opened the door, there sat a little baby girl in a basket with a note attached to the basket that read,

 

“Please take care of my child. I can no longer take care of her.”

 

The woman looked up and down the street from her doorway hoping to see the person that left this surprise. After seeing no one, she brought the baby into her home and called social services explaining to them what had just occurred. About an hour had passed when a woman from social services arrived at her home. The elderly woman explained to the social worker what had happened and added,

 

“You have to take this baby with you because I don’t want any parts of having someone living here with me.”

 

The social worker said to the old lady,

 

“We’ve been trying to find out who this baby belongs to since the moment you called and have had no luck. We don’t have the room and staff at the moment to take the baby in. We were hoping you could keep the baby for a few days until we can either track down the parents or find room.”

 

The elderly woman directly refused, telling the social worker she doesn’t care what she does with the baby as long as she walks out the door with the baby in hand.

The social worker pleaded with the old woman saying they will have room in 72 hours, and if she could just keep the baby until then, it would give her the time needed to search for the parents.

So the elderly woman agreed to keep the baby for 72 hours while telling the social worker, if she could not find the parents in 72 hours, she would have to come and get the child because; she did not want to be around anyone.

The social worker told her OK and left.

The old woman, now faced with the task of taking care of the infant for three days, called Walmart and asked for a special delivery of baby food, pampers, wipes, powder, lotion, shampoo, the works.

Later on that night the baby woke up crying, so the old woman took the baby in her arms rocking her back to sleep while walking around the apartment.

The very next day the old woman called Walmart asking them to send a toy swing and a catalog listing of baby clothes.

After buying the baby-swing and clothes on the second day, the woman decided that the baby needed some fresh air. So she walked around the block with the baby a couple of times and then stopped by the park.

And upon the third day, she did it all over again.

Finally the social worker came back, and when she saw the baby she said,

 

“Wow, you did great with the child.”

 

She looked on the old woman’s face and saw a pleasant glow – something she had not witnessed before. The social worker said to the elderly woman,

 

“We couldn’t find the baby’ parents, but we found a couple that is looking into adopting the child.”

 

As the elderly woman’s face froze with fear, she paused, and then began to interrogate the social worker with a list of questions:

 

“Who are these people? Did you do a formal background check on them? How do you know if they are equipped to raise a little girl? Maybe I should meet them first. You know there are a lot of crazy people in the world today? I don’t want you to give Helen to just anyone in order to get her out of your hair.”

 

Over the three day period, the malevolent woman’s labor of love for the child caused her heart to develop genuine emotions for the child.

When we make the choice to act in love on the behalf of someone, even for an enemy; as in the case with the elderly woman, our actions will cause us to develop heartfelt feelings for the one we love (i.e. labor for).

It was Martin Luther King, Jr., who said,

 

“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy to friend.”

“Love, Enemy, Friend” – Martin Luther King, Jr.: Brainy Quotes

 

LOVE LABORING WITH PRAYER

I once had a friend whose sister was on drugs. His sister lived in another state and I had never met her. My friend came to me one day asking me to keep her in prayer. Beginning that evening I prayed for her every morning and evening for weeks. I realized after a week or so that I began to have genuine concerns for his sister: a woman I had never met. I found myself wondering how she was doing. It had got to the point that I would call my friend for the sole purpose of asking what the latest news was with his sister. My labor of love through continual prayer had developed genuine heartfelt feelings for a woman I had never seen before.

I believe it was in the wisdom of Jesus to tell people to

 

“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you and persecute you.”

The Bible’s Matthew 5:44

 

In loving with an External Love (i.e. an intellectual agape love of choice,) you will develop the genuine affections found in Internal Love.

 

“The Giving of love is an education in itself”

“Love, Education, Giving” – Eleanor Roosevelt: Brainy Quotes

 

BALANCING YOUR LOVE

As I mentioned earlier, Internal Love (i.e. being in love) is a good thing. It is our addictions that can turn our Internal Love from sweet to sour. Only when we learn to add External Love (i.e. Agape Love) to the equation; will the love we have for our lovers become balanced out and complete.

When you come across those times in your relationship where you do not feel much like being married, and your lover is not seeming very lovable, and the Internal Love with its fuzzy feelings have gone on break, it will be the external intellectual love of agape that will give you the power to keep on loving.

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THE WAY OF CHRIST

How hard is it to love your enemy with an External Love; when we as a people are so used to loving with an Internal Love? How does one override corrupted emotions and learn to love all?

When it comes to External Love (i.e. Agape Love ;) the doctrine Christianity is heavy laden with it. When it comes to overriding corrupted emotions with External Love to the point of loving your enemy; the Christian doctrine has given Christians the power to do just that. This is not to say, all Christians exercise this power. But the Bible proclaims, God has taught believers, through Jesus, how to love with an Agape Love. The Bible’s book of Romans states,

 

“God demonstrated His love in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for the ungodly.”

Bible’s book of Romans 5:8

 

The Greek word used for “love” in the above verse is “agape,” the intellectual love of choice we have been discussing throughout this chapter. The passage of scripture above is in effect stating: “God demonstrated His love [i.e. gave us a demonstration of His agape love] in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for the ungodly.” The “ungodly” refers to God’s enemies. The Gospels teach, God gave us a demonstration of his unconditional love by giving His Son for His enemies. In His giving, there were no conditions because we were his enemies.

The Body of Christ (i.e. those that truly receive and believe in the gift that God gave) experience this Agape Love God demonstrated first hand.

The Bible teaches the believers, through the giving of His son on the cross; Christians have tasted a love that is not based on condition, for God gave His own child to people who had a track record that was lousy (full of sin). Thus, He gave his son on the behalf of His enemies, making His gift of love, a love given without conditions.

 

• No one can know the joy of being married unless they have been married (i.e. have experienced it).

• No one can know the misery of being in prison unless they have been locked up (i.e. have experienced it).

• And no one can know God’s agape love unless they have experienced it.

 

Through Jesus, the believers have experienced God’s unconditional agape love first hand. Thus, Christians possess the power to walk in this powerful love, which allows them to even love their enemy as their God loved them when they were His enemies.

According to the teachings of Christ, it was in the wisdom of God to love humanity back from the sinful, selfish mind state of the Pleasure Principle. In accordance with Christianity, one of God’s main purposes is to show humanity how to love agape style (i.e. without conditions.)

During Jesus’ preaching of the Sermon on the Mount, when he said, “love your enemies”, although it may have sounded foreign at the time, Jesus would later show those who believed on him how to love their enemies. He would show them at the cross how to love in this unique way by allowing them to experience this unique love first hand. He would show them firsthand what External Love (i.e. a love of choice) was all about.

God would use His son as a love demonstration. Once the love is experienced, the believer is able to walk in (exhibit) that unconditional love experienced at the cross, no longer bound by the limited Internal Love (i.e. a love based on conditions).

And I must state, it is a shame that many Christians do not have a proclivity to exercise this agape power they have inherited with the teachings of the Gospels.

 

THE HOMEOWNER AND THE THIEF

The story is told of a man whose home was broken into. Upon arrival at his home he catches eye contact with the robber through his hallway corridor. It is a face he recognizes: a man who lives in the same neighborhood, on the very same block. As he surges towards the robber, the robber runs out the back door with the money and jewelry from the safe.

Unable to catch up with the robber, the homeowner decides to file charges against the thief. But in court the charges did not stick and were dropped. This left the homeowner devastated and furious.

That following winter, during a blizzard, the homeowner was on his way home from work in his 4x4 pickup truck. As he listened to the radio, the news announcer is warning all to stay indoors on this particular night because of a harsh blizzard. As he drove home he saw someone struggling in the blizzard on foot with groceries, trying to make their way through the horrific snow storm. Just when he was about to slow down and ask if they needed a ride, he looked a little closer and recognized that it was the guy that broke into his house. He then quickly pressed on the gas saying within himself with gratification, “Good for you!”

The following spring, the homeowner went to a church revival and got saved through the Gospel of Christ Jesus. He was amazed to find out what God had done for him through His own Son Jesus. The very thought of God giving His own Son for a sinner such as himself brought tears to his eyes every time he pondered on it.

That following winter, there was another blizzard. And as he rushed home from work in his big 4x4 truck, the same situation befell him as the winter before. He saw the same man struggling with groceries in the blizzard trying to make it home. His first instinct was to step on the gas and leave the man as he so quickly did last year. But this time it was different. Although the bitterness he felt inside was telling him to leave the man, he just could not bring himself to do it. The homeowner began to rationalize in his mind how God loved him when he was at odds with God, and how God’s love was so strong that he gave His own Son. The homeowner said to himself,

 

“If God could love me when I was His enemy, I can love this guy who is my enemy.”

 

So he chose to love this guy by supplying his greatest need at that moment: a ride out the blizzard. It was an agape’s intellectual love of choice he loved this guy with. He overrode his corrupt emotional state and chose to love despite of how he was feeling. This is something he would not have done if he had not first experienced God’s Agape Love first hand.

One way to learn how to exert agape’ External Love is to first experience it. The Christian experiences it at the cross through the Gospel of Jesus.

The Apostle Paul wrote,

 

“Perhaps for a good man some would even dare to die. But God demonstrates his love towards us that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 5: 8-10

 

In another place, the apostle Paul writing to the Christians state:

 

“But as touching brotherly love, ye need not that I write to you: for ye yourselves are taught of God to love.”

1 Thessalonians 4: 9

 

In the verse directly above, the word “love” is used twice. The first word for “love” in the Greek is “philos”, or “philadelphia”. The second word for “love” in the Greek is “agape.” Here, the apostle, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit is letting the Christians know, they have no need that Paul writes to them about “philos”, a brotherly type of love because; God has taught them how to love with an “agape love.” God taught the Christians how to love with an agape love through the giving of his only Son. As mentioned earlier; Christians are taught this type of love through experiencing it first hand at the Cross of Christ Jesus.

 

The Apostle John wrote in another place,

 

“We love him because He first loved us.”

1 John 5: 9

 

I conclude that a sure fire way to learn how to exercise agape’s intellectual love is to first experience it through the doctrine of Christianity (i.e. the Gospel of Jesus Christ,) which encompasses excepting and trusting in the gift the Bible’s New Testament proclaims God has given to all mankind.

 

CONCLUSION

In a love relationship, you will need a balance of Internal Love and External Love. Agape’ External Love is not based on an emotional trip, but rather an intellectual choice one makes, regardless of conditions you may be faced with. In loving this way, when you are not carrying around warm feelings towards your lover, you are still able to love your lover.

Once the choice to love is made (regardless of the trial that may be troubling you), and once the action of love is exercised (regardless of your ill feelings); genuine emotions and feelings will be formulated within the partaker of this most unique love called agape (i.e. External Love).