CHAPTER 3

LOVE STEW

 

“Love is a game that two can play and both win” Eva Gabor

 

 

The Question is Love

 

Concerning love relationships, in many cases, the two who come together embarking on a new relation venture share very different ideas on what love is. Thus, they enter the relationship unaware that their partner does not view love as they do. Ask a room of twenty people to define what love is and you are bound to get many different answers. Love means different things to different people. Some people feel love is spending money on the one they care about. Others define love through gift giving: candy, flowers, etc.. Still, others may say love can be found in the sex act or in spending time. What we sometime fail to realize is this: a person can spend time, indulge in sexual activities, give gifts of flowers and candy, spend money on you and still not love you. The truth of the matter is; none of the gestures mentioned above truly defines what love is.

I once knew a singer who did all of the gestures mentioned above to a woman he did not care for at all. He did all of those things for her to get close to her grandfather who was a music producer. Somehow society has tricked us into believing that the giving of flowers and time spent together equates to love.

 

COMMUNICATION

So, how does one come to find out what dwells in their lover’s heart and mind concerning love? You find this out by finding out what his or her definition for love is. And how do you find out his or her definition for love? You simply ask.

Some may feel asking what is on their lover’s mind concerning love may be getting too personal. Thus, for fear of being ridiculed they leave the subject alone. But understand nothing is more personal than the act of sex. Thus, if your lover has a problem with the question of love, then making love should be out of the question.

You who are in a relationship or you who have had a relationship that has fallen apart; did you ever take the time to ask your lover what is love to him? The love question is a colossal question in a relationship because; love is the most vital ingredient in all happy relationships and marriages. It is monumental that the two in a love relationship know and understand what true love is. It is fundamental that you and your partner share the same ideas concerning love and relationships. It is enormously significant that the two lovers be on the same page concerning love. For the love dish you two dine from will be the food you two will eat as your relationship grows and evolves. If you and your lover are not eating from what I term a nourishing bowl of “Love Stew,” your love relationship will eventually die of malnutrition.

 

 

Relationships are Like Stew

 

The dish we term stew is a combination of solid food ingredients that are cooked in liquid and served in resultant gravy. A love relationship is a lot like a big pot of stew with three imperative ingredients that when the couple in the love relationship eats, their relationship is strengthened with the nourishment needed to sustain a relationship.

The way Love Stew is seasoned plays a major role in its taste. We will discuss the seasoning of Love Stew momentarily. For now our focus will be on the actual ingredients that make Love Stew.

If you would like to know if you and your lover are eating from nourishing Love Stew, I advise you to get a pencil and piece of paper, write both your names on the paper, and as we go over the ingredients, list under each of your names what ingredients you bring to the table in making Love Stew.

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THE FIRST INGREDIENT: Commitment

The first ingredient to Love Stew is commitment: the act of being committed. In a love relationship, you two have to be willing to label what you have, a relationship; while being committed to making it work for at least some period of time. It was the expert psychologist Sternberg who said, it is not love if you do not call it love and if you do not have some sort of desire to maintain the relationship.

 

THE SECOND INGREDIENT: Passion

The second ingredient to Love Stew is passion. Very vital in a love relationship, passion is the drive that leads to romance. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines passion as, 

 

“A strong and barely controllable emotion”

“Passion” –  Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

 

Please understand, passion gives reference to more than just the sex drive. It is an intense emotion that compels your good feelings for a person. If a relationship does not have passion, it is not a love relationship. Therefore, passion is a required component in Love Stew. Just as you cannot have lasagna without the noodles, you cannot have Love Stew without the passion.

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THE THIRD INGREDIENT: Intimacy

The third and final ingredient to Love Stew is intimacy: that feeling of connection and closeness you have with someone. Merriam-Webster defines intimacy as,

 

“Something of a personal or private nature”.

“Intimacy” – Merriam-Webster Dictionary

 

Both physical and emotional intimacy is required in Love Stew.

 

• Physical intimacy is found in things that range from hugs, kisses, holding hands and sexual activities.

• Emotional intimacy encompasses anything from a romantic dinner to the sharing of secrets you wouldn’t share with just anyone.

 

Intimacy is a vital ingredient in Love Stew because; intimate relationships play a central role in the overall human experience. As humans we have a general desire to belong and be loved. These desires are usually satisfied in an intimate relationship. It fulfills our universal need to belong and to be cared for.

If you and your lover possess all three of these ingredients: commitment, passion and intimacy, you will have a promising healthy love relationship because; you have in your possession the needed ingredients for the nourishing Love Stew.

 

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Other Kinds of Stews

 

Concerning the three ingredients that makeup Love Stew; if you and your lover are only enjoying one, or two of the three ingredients, I suggest you get a hold of what is lacking. Although two and even one of the ingredients may be good; if you are not eating from all three ingredients, you are not eating Love Stew, i.e. the nourishment needed for a long healthy love relationship.

 

ROMANTIC STEW (+ passion, + intimacy, – commitment)

For instance, if you and your lover only eat from stew made with the ingredients, passion and intimacy, but lack the ingredient commitment, what you are eating from is what I term, “Romantic Stew.”  

Romantic Stew describes couples that have a desire for one another (passion) and are close (intimacy). But they have not put their relationship in concrete by defining it as a relationship (no commitment). This is usually due to one of the two being stubborn and reluctant to define the relationship as such. This sort of relationship (no commitment) is fine if both parties are ok with eating from Romantic Stew. But if only one of the two is ok with eating Romantic Stew while the other wants to add commitment, the relationship usually results in jealousy on the behalf of the one who would like commitment to be added. The reluctant one will more than likely live their life without boundaries, seeing and dating others, causing ill feelings to develop and then erupt in their partner.

 

COMPANIONATE STEW (+ commitment, + intimacy, – passion)

Another kind of relationship stew is “Companionate Stew.” If you have the two ingredients, commitment and intimacy, but lack the ingredient passion, what you are eating from is Companionate Stew.

Companionate Stew describes a couple who is close (intimacy) and committed (commitment) to their relationship. But the romance (passion) is missing. We usually find these sorts of relationships in parents who may stay together for the sake of the children. They still have that feeling of connection and closeness (intimacy). And they are committed (commitment) to the relationship. But, for whatever the reason may be, they no longer have that yearning desire (passion) for one another. This is not Love Stew; it is Companionate Stew because the two are companions more than anything else.

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FATUOUS STEW (+ passion, + commitment, – intimacy)

If you have the two ingredients passion and commitment, but lack the ingredient intimacy, what you are eating from is “Fatuous Stew”.

Fatuous Stew describes a couple who are infatuated with one another. They yearn for one another (passion) and they are committed (commitment) to their relationship and desires for one another. But there is no intimacy, (i.e. that feeling of connection and closeness you have with someone.) it is solely the passion and their commitment to it that brings them together. This is the kind of relationship we usually find males in search of.

 

 

Seasoning Love Stew

 

As mentioned earlier, the way Love Stew is seasoned plays a major role in its taste. As we all like our stew to be served a certain way, in a relationship, it is our duty to find out what kind of seasonings our lover likes in their Love Stew, (i.e. the stew made with all three ingredients: commitment, passion and intimacy.)

 

BLAND LOVE STEW

The story is told of two people who became an item in the name of love. As the relationship continued on for weeks and months, they both partook in the three vital ingredients: commitment, passion, and intimacy. Thus, they were eating from the nourishing Love Stew mentioned above. But the woman found herself unhappy. She recognized her lover not doing the things she felt a lover supposed to do. Her idea of what lovers were supposed to do involved gift giving, especially of the surprise nature: the very things she was more than willing to do for her man. The giving of gifts was a seasoning the woman loved in her Love Stew. But with all of her giving, she did not experience the receiving of gifts in return.

Although her man was an excellent provider: one who worked hard and brought home the bacon to pay the bills, she felt she needed her Love Stew seasoned with the sharing of gifts: flowers every now and then – maybe surprise tickets to the concert or the theatre. She ultimately felt that gift giving showed ones appreciation for their partner.

When she began to feel miserable in the relationship, eating from bland Love Stew (i.e. Love Stew not seasoned with seasonings she likes,) she confronted her lover and asked;

 

“How do you define love?”

 

Her lover thrown back from the question, paused for a second then said,

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“Well, you know I was raised by my father only and I learned love from seeing how much he loved me over the years. He worked hard every day to provide for me and to make sure all my needs were met.”

 

The woman then recognized, her lover was seasoning their Love Stew in the way he liked it and had grown accustom too. This was an eye opener for the woman because; she now had to decide if she was willing to continue on with this bland tasting Love Stew, which was seasoned with the seasoning of provision. She said to herself,

 

“Can I live and be happy without that special taste I crave in my stew? Although the stew is nourishing, can I continue with a bland tasting stew, and not the kind of stew I am custom too and yearn for?”

 

Then answering her own question, she said out loud,

 

“HELL NO!”

 

At this point the couple sat down and discussed what kind of seasonings they enjoyed in their Love Stew. Then they compromised with one another by adding all sorts of seasonings into the cobber’s of their minds to be pulled off of the shelf when attempting to bring a smile to their lover’s face. For how can two walk together unless they agree?

 

 

Correct Communication

 

Many of the problems that cause relationships to crumble (i.e. cause your pot of Love Stew to boil over) find their genesis in a lack of communication. In mentioning communication, I do not mean the conventional

 

“Let me tell you about my day at work today: I need to vent”.

 

This type of communication is fine and dandy if your lover does not mine being a vent sponge for an hour or two. Let the reader understand, at the end of the day, this form of communication caters only to you and your wants, i.e. your need to vent. Although this sort of communication may be healthy for you, this does not mean it is always healthy for your relationship.

The type of communication that is needed in a relationship is the communication of knowing how one another think about things, especially in the sphere of love and relationships.

Many women who has been with their lover for a long period of time feel they do not need to communicate with him about heavy issues. They feel they already know how he thinks on issues. Well, let me be the first to inform those of this mindset: you do not know how your man thinks if you are not communicating with him on a frequency higher than venting. Men and people in general are evolving continually. This is what we do as humans. Many of the things people thought about and believed one year ago, they think totally different about now. This is why people get saved, change faiths, or even leave their faith alone. They change their thinking. They change their minds.

If you have a lover whom you feel you know the ends and outs too, but have not been communicating with him on a higher level of frequency than venting, my advice to you is to get with the program. Otherwise, your lover may be looking at the front door. And you may not have a clue of this until he is walking through it.

You women who have not been with your lover very long, and you women who are about to embark on a new relationship, I advise you to learn your lover. Learn him well through constructive communication. Find out what he thinks on important issues, especially those of love. If you find your view of love is radically different from his, see if there is any common ground you two can meet on. This Love Stew you create for one another, you will want it to be the only stew he eats from. Thus, communicate! And as mentioned earlier, find out the special seasonings he enjoy, (i.e. those seasonings that really send sensations to his taste-buds.)

Also let him know about what you think, especially on topics associated with love and relationship. If the woman I mentioned above had never sat down and discussed the seasoning she enjoys in her Love Stew (i.e. sharing gifts,) she would have eventually let him know through bickering and arguing, which would have led down one of two roads:

 

• The road of breakup where the two go their separate ways harboring regrets of ever coming together.

 

• The road of an inferiority complex where the man complies with her bickering needs, receiving her seasoning instructions through the conduit of arguments and demands, which results in the man feeling he is complying with a dictatorship. This second road could lead to an assortment of places you never want to take a person in a relationship.

 

Real communication, especially dealing with the topic of love is a major key to unlocking happiness in a love relationship. Being on the same page of how love is defined will save you from a lot of misunderstandings and unnecessary arguing.