Taking Off the Mask
Many women regret ever becoming an item once they start living in the same home with their lover. This is because it is easy for you and your lover to say and do all of the right things when you are not continually around one another. But, living together on the other hand puts you face to face with your lover more frequently. It is easy for your lover to put on a show when the performance does not have to be very long. Surely he can put on a great performance a few hours out of the day or week. The performance of being a totally lovable flawless guy is easy to carry out once, twice or even three times a week. But when he is called to do it day in and day out; that is a horse of a different color. When lovers live together, the mask being worn a few times a week will have to come off ultimately, and the true person with all of their flaws will come to fruition.
Is it not like this with most people: when we first enter a relationship, the person of our interest is only allowed to see our good side? Most of us are not known for exhibiting our true selves at first impression. We like to give a phony façade, an illusory portrait of what we would like for the object of our eye to think about us. Many of us are like the beautiful brick house on the hill whose interior is in shambles. We love to dress up the outward appearance of ourselves while hiding the inner us far from the scrutiny of the public, especially the apple of our eye. Nothing brings the real us to the surface like the fire that is kindled when two people in love move into the same home.
THE SELFISH PLEASURE PRINCIPLE
Do not be blinded by Internal Love. When you find a guy who seems perfect, please understand he is not as perfect as he may seem. We all have our flaws. To one extent or another, we all are selfish creatures.
Some have realized their selfishness early on in life and decided to go to war with it: becoming more selfless. But this is not the case with most people. Most people live their lives unaware of their selfishness.
Labeling it as sin, religion teaches us selfishness began in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. Psychology concurs’, selfishness is innate in us. The late great psychologist Sigmund Freud termed the selfishness most of us live by as the “Pleasure Principle.” And like religion, Freud claimed this selfish principle of pleasure, we all were born with.
The Pleasure Principle is as mentioned in the introduction: a concept describing people seeking pleasure while avoiding suffering and pain in order to satisfy their biological and psychological needs. In infancy and early childhood, people behaviors are naturally governed by the Pleasure Principle. It is natural for children at a young age to only seek for immediate gratification in order to reduce their urges for things such as hunger, thirst, companionship, being loved and even sex. But it is sad to say, many of us, although of age now, are still governed by the selfish Pleasure Principle.
Note: this principle will be the core of you and your lover’s arguing and bickering if it goes unchecked. Thus, for an ideal healthy relationship to occur and sustain itself, the desiring Pleasure Principle is an obstacle within you and your lover that must be addressed, sought out and eradicated. Otherwise, it will be your unbending desires that destroy your love in the home setting.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”
The Bible’ book of James 4:1 NIV
The selfish Pleasure Principle is the culprit that plans to destroy any couple with plans on living together until they are old. If the two coming together in a living arrangement are conscious of the Pleasure Principle within one another, the two can succeed in their living arrangement.
THE LOGICAL REALITY PRINCIPLE
The Pleasure Principle’ counterpart, a principle we obtain through maturity, Sigmund Freud termed the “Reality Principle.” The Reality Principle describes people choosing to postpone gratification of a desire when circumstantial reality disallows its immediate gratification. As mentioned above, in infancy and early childhood, people’ behaviors are naturally governed by only the Pleasure Principle. But the mature person operates through the Reality Principle. Maturity is learning to endure the pain of deferred satisfaction when reality requires it. The idea is to not be governed by the Pleasure Principle, but rather to obey the Reality Principle, which is not based on emotions only, but logic as well.
Through the Reality Principle, pleasure can be sought out and obtained, but the pleasure is weighed out with logic and is not driven by sheer animal instinct as is in the case with the Pleasure Principle. Finding your pleasure through the Reality Principle is a pleasure through first taking an account of reality. It is as the riddle to the Great Sphinx proclaims,
“Intellect must rule over your animal instinct.”
The Heart/Mind Condition
No matter how much you are in love with someone, at the end of the day, always remember, the person you are in love with is not flawless, but is a human being who more than likely lives their life based on the Pleasure Principle. The Bible mentioning Jesus’ awareness of mankind and how he dealt with mankind during his earthly ministry states:
“Jesus did not trust himself unto them, for that he knew all men, and because he needed not that anyone should bear witness concerning man; for he himself knew what was in man.”
The Bible’s book of John 2:24-25
This terrible thing “in man” Jesus knew about was man’s selfishness. The Bible calls it sin. Psychology calls it the Pleasure Principle. We are all born with it. Our job as maturing humans is to conquer it and live life through the Reality Principle, which is able to govern our Pleasure Principle
SELFISHNESS: THE SOURCE OF EVIL
Selfishness is the rudiment of sin (i.e. the roots from whence all sin springs forth.) Selfishness (the Pleasure Principle) is undeniably the roots of all evil. You may be thinking of the Bible verse in the book of Timothy which states,
“For the love of money is the root of all evil.”
1 Timothy 6:10
But let the reader understand, it is the love of what money can do (i.e. cater to our selfish Pleasure Principle) that makes loving it evil. The Bible passage claims, it is your “love of money” that is evil, not money itself. But make no mistake about it; it is the selfish Pleasure Principle that is the source of “the love of money,” and thus, “all evil.” Someone once said, “Cure humanity’s selfishness and you have just replanted the Garden of Eden.” This is so true.
Just as the Bible verse states, Jesus knew what was in men hearts; recognize no matter how Mother Teresa a person may seem, that person was born with a pleasure principle. A selfish person can seem selfless when everything in life is going well. But when the heat of the trials of life is turned up, what really dwells in that person’s heart is revealed. The selfish Pleasure Principle within us is an embryonic heart condition we all need to exercise authority over in and on the outside of love relations.
During his earthly ministry, Jesus speaking about humanity’s terrible heart condition said,
"For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies."
Mathew 15:19
The word “heart” in the above passage comes from the Greek word “kardia,” and is defined as “thoughts of feelings, (mind).” When the Bible discusses the heart of man, it is usually referring to the mind of man. Humanity has a terrible heart/mind condition that is resulting from the Pleasure Principle we are born with.
In chapter 2 our topic of discussion was External Love, External Love (i.e. agape love) is the only method for reigning totally over this selfish Pleasure Principle.
EVERYONE HAS FLAWS
Every one of us possesses blemishes (i.e. things we deem as character flaws and need to work on.) Do not be a part of the audience who buys into the flawless performance of their lover because of your yearning to be in love. Be smart. Being in love can distort your reality where you may overlook the obvious: NO ONE IS PERFECT! If you do not realize this now, as you live with your lover, you will have a rude awakening uncovering short coming after short coming.
Do not deceive yourself. Love your lover with the logic of knowing that they are not perfect. Love them with an External Love. It is as “Tears of Fears” that musical group from the 80s sang,
“I’m only human. Of flesh and blood I’m made. I’m only human, born to make mistakes.”
Lyrics from “I’m Only Human” by Tears of Fears